It's hard to say what impact this blog has had, if any, on the mentally ill and mentally well (if it exists) community. It is important to know that I will not shut this blog down. However, I am trying very hard to try to change my outlook. I am not sure if it can be done. I had a discussion with a psychiatrist today. It dillied and dallied but the main point was that it was not necessary to give into self pity. He said he was not accusing me but he was simply bring up the point. I am unaware of self pity in myself. I had only thought of myself as an advocate for other people going through similar and differing venues of mental illness. However, he said that I have pushed the limits of my understanding as far as it can go. He said that he did not know why any of his patients suffer and I inserted at this point that perhaps it was our crosses to bear. He said this was a good analogy. I had ran out of the lobby a few minutes earlier because I was panicking (as usual) and some kind patients had alerted the doctor that I had returned. I had told myself I'd get a pop (my regional slang for a soda) and come back to avert the panic. Those little trips never work, though. Anyhow, in my own best interest as well as the interest of those who suffer, I would like to give the blog a rest.

Yes, I will still write because that is what I do. However, the scope and intent of the blog may change. I don't want to say it is all hopeless-- even if it feels that way-- because if I begin to see my life as hopeless then I begin to despair.

I will admit to you that I do not know how to go on or where to begin. My doctor has admitted he has been through all the medications he can dig up and he does not want to label me with Depersonalization Disorder because he personally does not believe in that. I don't think whether you believe in something or not should have any bearing on whether it exists to someone else, however; I do not have any power in this situation.

As I try to craft my own personal lobotomy, I will try to keep you updated. All that I write that I feel is of some use will be trafficked here. Currently I am working on an essay about the usefulness of "broken" people.

In the next six to eight weeks I will try to let go, give these old medicines a new chance, and try to renew my sight. That is all I can do. It feels harder to stand still than it does to panic I must admit. T.S. Eliot said that mankind cannot bear much reality. Perhaps this is why things are in such a state with me.

I value this blog and I value people knowing they are not alone. I don't value it because I write it; I value it because you read it. I hope it has been some service to you. As it changes, I hope you will be patient with it and see if it can still apply to you. I will be experimenting intellectually and brining in new ideas. I will also be researching self pity to see if perhaps I have not been victim to it myself and can somehow change the bleak thought process in my own mind.

This is just an update. There is more to come.