It's hard to say what impact this blog has had, if any, on the mentally ill and mentally well (if it exists) community. It is important to know that I will not shut this blog down. However, I am trying very hard to try to change my outlook. I am not sure if it can be done. I had a discussion with a psychiatrist today. It dillied and dallied but the main point was that it was not necessary to give into self pity. He said he was not accusing me but he was simply bring up the point. I am unaware of self pity in myself. I had only thought of myself as an advocate for other people going through similar and differing venues of mental illness. However, he said that I have pushed the limits of my understanding as far as it can go. He said that he did not know why any of his patients suffer and I inserted at this point that perhaps it was our crosses to bear. He said this was a good analogy. I had ran out of the lobby a few minutes earlier because I was panicking (as usual) and some kind patients had alerted the doctor that I had returned. I had told myself I'd get a pop (my regional slang for a soda) and come back to avert the panic. Those little trips never work, though. Anyhow, in my own best interest as well as the interest of those who suffer, I would like to give the blog a rest.

Yes, I will still write because that is what I do. However, the scope and intent of the blog may change. I don't want to say it is all hopeless-- even if it feels that way-- because if I begin to see my life as hopeless then I begin to despair.

I will admit to you that I do not know how to go on or where to begin. My doctor has admitted he has been through all the medications he can dig up and he does not want to label me with Depersonalization Disorder because he personally does not believe in that. I don't think whether you believe in something or not should have any bearing on whether it exists to someone else, however; I do not have any power in this situation.

As I try to craft my own personal lobotomy, I will try to keep you updated. All that I write that I feel is of some use will be trafficked here. Currently I am working on an essay about the usefulness of "broken" people.

In the next six to eight weeks I will try to let go, give these old medicines a new chance, and try to renew my sight. That is all I can do. It feels harder to stand still than it does to panic I must admit. T.S. Eliot said that mankind cannot bear much reality. Perhaps this is why things are in such a state with me.

I value this blog and I value people knowing they are not alone. I don't value it because I write it; I value it because you read it. I hope it has been some service to you. As it changes, I hope you will be patient with it and see if it can still apply to you. I will be experimenting intellectually and brining in new ideas. I will also be researching self pity to see if perhaps I have not been victim to it myself and can somehow change the bleak thought process in my own mind.

This is just an update. There is more to come.

The Importance of Hope © Megan Snider 2012

Disclaimer: It is not my intention to turn this blog into a religious blog. When I do see correlations between religion and what I am going through as far as my illnesses are concerned, I do write about them. I am in no way trying to convert anyone o to say that I am a better human being because I am a believer. I struggle with my faith because of my illnesses. I simply wanted to share with my readers where some of my hope comes from in this blog despite the fact that those of us whom are ill suffer so gravely. That is my only intention.

As you may or may not know, hope is something that does not come easily for me. I am prone to think the worst about situations and catastrophize. This is much easier to do than to be upbeat and positive. In fact, everyone is familiar with that old joke that exclaims sarcastically, “It takes more muscles to smile than to frown.” I am not necessarily sure if this is true and even if it is, that doesn’t give it the right to be the guiding maxim of your life.

I will say that fear and happiness do not go hand in hand. Neither does pain and happiness. Some people are graciously able to accept, or rather, feign acceptance of their situations. Others buck and kick against it, hoping to destroy it with their sheer wills. Unfortunately, will itself is not enough to break through any illness. Otherwise, I would have broken through my illness years ago. I have been so mad and frustrated by it as a child and an adult, that I have gone to great lengths to battle it—only to end up losing.

So, why and how can you learn to hope? I don’t mind admitting that hope is something I have to learn. I don’t think hope comes naturally to many human beings. The Bible urges people to hope. In the New King James Version of the Bible, Hebrew 11:1 states, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” There is a strong correlation between faith and hope. If you have faith, you should have hope, right?

Here’s the tricky part. It all boils down to what you hope for. Some of us hope for worldly changes and physical and mental changes in ourselves or others. Some hopefully look forward to the day when ascension to heaven will be reached and the world will be renewed.

I believe God wants us to have hope for our lives, even though they are “but vapor” as is states in Ecclesiastes. We were created from the most delicate substance of all: dust. Dust is easily separated and can be totally blown away by gusts. Sometimes gale storms and torrential downpours scatter our cognizance far and wide and cause them to congeal and form into cakes of filthy mud. It makes sense that we would be uncertain of many things because our own genetic makeup is absolutely unsure and hinged on chance. In his epic poem “The Wasteland”, T.S. Eliot wrote the following line: “I will show you fear in a handful of dust.” I have always taken this to relate back to humanity’s fear of its own mortality and fear of its own great imposing frailty. That has been among some of the top literary quotes ever made in my own opinion.   

Hope is a funny thing. You don’t necessarily have to hope for anything. It can just be an abiding feeling. You don’t need to say to yourself, “Okay, I will set a goal and then hope for it.” If you have been keeping up with my blogs and writings, you will notice that hoping for something specific may lead to folly because you may or may not just get it someday. And, furthermore, who can really say that they hope for one thing continuously. As I have aged, I have found that some of my hopes are mainstays while some have simply fallen by the wayside. So, to pick one thing and to hope it will make you happy is not really the point of hope.

The point of hope is to give us strength to continue through life. When everything else in completely gone, we still have hope. Hope is still readily available at no cost to the broken hearted or the broken souled.  One of the verses that I used to mock when I was against God and when His hand was against me was Jeremiah 29:11. Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” At this time I believed I did not have a future. If you ask me now, I might reply in the same tone. I’m not really expecting much anymore. That does not mean I have given up hope. It means I have not given in to irrational hopes as I had done before as I was younger. See, Jereiah 29:11 does not state that God will give you everything you desire. I’ve pointed this out many times. If you believe in God, yes; He has a plan for you. However, His plan and your plan may be two different things.

As a human, I feel that I have little control over the things that go on in my own life. Even when I am at my deepest and darkest moments, even though I imagine ending things outright, I know that I can’t do that. I don’t think that suicide is a coward’s way out. I know it gravely and deeply wounds families but I know that the people whom commit suicide know that they will be hurting the ones they love. I do not believe they kill themselves to hurt people deliberately in a wide majority of cases. I just think there is a point where pain can no longer be endured nor managed and they only see one obvious exit sign marked in big red letters.

As a Christian, I have an abiding hope. I do not know why and I suppose I must attribute it to God. My life is terrifying. I wake up terrified. I have episodes of panic and DP and DR every day. I am also Agoraphobic. None of these are classified as serious illnesses but they still chip away at the prospects of my life. So, if you think I’m a person with blessed life standing on a soapbox and preaching at you, then you are wrong. I live with conditions that cannot be cured and erode away at the very core of my life like battery acid.

This hope keeps me from pulling the trigger or crafting the noose. I just can’t do it. I suppose in my heart I know that even if these illness never go away that there will be things in life I will enjoy. Sure, maybe I’ll never be married. Maybe none of my heart’s desires will come to pass in God’s will. You must remember my reaction to Matthew 19 a few days ago. The reason I won’t simply allow myself to die is because I don’t know what’s around the corner. And, also, small things make me happy. For example, instead of dying, I could just have a chocolate malt and watch television or write something. That sounds horribly silly, but that is the kind of low key activities that I look forward to. Everyone has something to look forward to.

Listen carefully, hope does not mean to sit there and hope that your life will turn out that certain way that YOU want it to. Hope is just the simple abiding feeling of continuing on the journey of life for no particular reason. Even if your life has been darkened by the great arm of illness and sorrow which spreads its long shadow over everything you have known or ever will know, you can still hope. One of my favorite verses from the Bible is the Lord’s response to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9. Here in this gospel, Paul has prayed three times for a thorn in his flesh to be removed. We do not know the nature of the “thorn in his side.” We simply know it was there and he prayed repetitively for it to be gone. I certainly know that feeling. Finally, regarding his thorn, Paul finally wrote about the Lord’s answer to him. Paul wrote, “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Take great notice of that verse. Paul was never healed. This does not mean God is unjust or unable. You must remember that miracles are called “miracles” for a reason. They are called “miracles” because they do not happen every day. If they happened everyday they would be called “commonplace”, wouldn’t they? 

It is a comfort to me to know that I am at least useful to the Lord if to no one else in my crippled state and my blackened disposition. The phrase “My strength is made perfect in weakness” means that in weakness we easily succumb to things—this includes God’s will for us. We have withered and I believe it is God’s delight to surprise up and cause us to spring back up even at the zero hour. Paul also says that he would “rather glory in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” People who do not live with degenerating illnesses can find hope and faith a bit easier than those of us that struggle with mental and physical illnesses. I am not saying that “normal” people don’t have problems. Everyone has problems.

However, there is something to be said about enduring constant and repetitive suffering. It bends you and bows you and you crave hope all the more. Just as a starving man will scramble for a piece of bread crust thrown into the dirt so do we too scramble for a dislodged piece of hope originating from the heavens.

Even while being crucified on the cross, one of the thieves being crucified alongside Jesus found peace in His presence. Now, get that through your head. These men were dying slow agonizing deaths and being gawked at by the curious masses. One of the theieves recognizes Jesus and his power and asks for forgiveness. While the three of these men were on the cross, nailed to planks of wood by their hands and feet, with strong metal nails bolted through the fragile line of their tendons, they still had presence of mind. And, in an odd way, two of them still had hope. The two that still had hope were Jesus and the thief who asked for redemption. After asking to be saved, Jesus replied to the thief in Luke23:43 by saying, “Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.”

Notice that Jesus was not concerned with the darkness he was in. He was wrapped in the blackest darkness of all—being face to face with death. Yet all that was reflected in the eyes of that thief and Jesus was a pure picture of paradise.

I know that many of us asked why we are not cured. But we must remember that Paul was not cured by the Lord and he was very close to the Lord. We also must not remember the failings of Peter and how those failing broke his heart for he loved Jesus dearly. And, most of all, we must remember that although He had the ability to do so with one movement of his pinky finger, Jesus Christ did not save Himself from his own suffering. We all have crosses to bear. I have written that before and it is true. The only person able to help you shoulder that cross is Jesus Himself because he was the original bearer of the cross. No other human being can transport himself or herself into your mind or body and help you shoulder the pain.

Here is where hope comes in. You should always have hope. Remember that Jesus said that all was required of us was to have hope the size of a mustard seed and that would move mountains. If I recall correctly, a mustard seed is very miniscule. Now, you may not move the mountain or obstacle of your choice out of your way, but you may remove other obstacles with faith and hope in the Lord. So, before you throw in the towel, give just a tiny bit of hope a chance.

© Megan Snider 2012

(c) Megan Allyce Snider 2012
Copr. M. Allyce Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider MMXII

Psychosis versus Dissociation © Megan Snider 2012

The confusion among unskilled doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists about the differences between psychotic disorders and dissociative disorders is absolutely horrendous. As I have shared on here before, I was originally diagnosed as psychotic and as having Schizophrenia. My “psychiatrist” was simply not smart enough to know the difference between literally symptoms and abstract symptoms. For example, check out the subtle differences between these two sets of symptoms:

 Example Number One: I say I don’t “feel” like I’m real. (This is dissociation because reality testing is intact. You don’t “feel” real, yet you know you are.)

Example Number Two: The world is not real between the hours of nine and five. Everything stops existing because the CIA has the world programmed to run on a huge computer system. (I know that sounded a little cliché—especially with the CIA reference—however, this would be an adequate runner up for a psychotic disorder.)   

Please notice that in example number two there is no I “feel” connection. Rather, everything is stated as fact. This is where the idea of reality testing comes in. According to “The Free Dictionary by Farlex”, reality testing is “an ego function that enables one to differentiate between external reality and an inner imaginative world and to behave in a manner that exhibits an awareness of accepted norms and customs. Impairment of reality testing is indicative of a disturbance in ego functioning that may lead to psychosis.”

Alright, so let’s boil this idea down in digestible bits. When you have reality testing, you can differentiate between your own internal and external reality. That means you may fantasize that you are the president, but you know that you are an English teacher. Also, over the course of derealization and depersonalization, you know that you and the world are really truly real, however you are in an altered state of consciousness where it simply doesn’t feel that way.

In contrast, people suffering from psychosis have no reality testing. Therefore, they are grossly unable to distinguish their own fantasies or internal thoughts from their external realities. Simply put, if they have a thought that they are being stalking by the FBI or something similar, this though can easily grow into a true belief.

As I learned in Abnormal Psychiatry in college, reality testing also have another component to it. It also is the ability to conjure up concrete facts. For example, I know my hair is blonde, my eyes are blue, I know when my birthday is and what state I am currently residing in. If you ask a psychotic person who he or she thinks he or she is, he or she may possibly respond that they believe they are “Jesus Chist” or “Napoleon”. Again, I am sorry to use such cliché examples, but they are the ones which seem to be best understood. Let’s look at how the “DSM V” labels psychosis and dissociation.

“DSM V” Psychotic Disorders

Attenuated Psychosis Syndrom (Proposed for Section III of the “DSM-5)

B 00 Schizotypal Personality Disorder

B 01 Delusional Disorder

B 02 Brief Psychotic Disorder

B 03 Substance-Induced Psychotic Disorder

B 04 Psychotic Disorder Associated with Another Medical Condition

B 05 Catatonic Disorder Associated with Another Medical Condition

B 06 Schizophreniform Disorder

B 07 Schizoaffective Disorder

B 08 SCHIZOPHRENIA

B 09 Psychotic Disorder Not Elsewhere Classified

B 10 Catatonic Disorder Not Elsewhere Classified

“DSM V” Dissociative Disorders

H 00 DEPERSONALIZATION-DEREALIZATION DISORDER

H 01 Dissociative Amnesia

H 02 Dissociative Identity Disorder

H 03 Dissociative Disorder Not Elsewhere Classified

Psychosis	Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder
Reality Testing is NOT intact	Reality Testing IS intact
Delusions	No delusions
Total infamous lack of insight	Temporary altered state of consciousness
Merging of internal and external worlds	External and internal worlds are kept separate

For further information, I suggest reading the DSM definitions of these disorders, including the DSM V which is a new and updated version coming out next year.

I also highly recommend scholarly psychiatric papers and Mayo Clinic articles realting to these disorders. Remember, knowledge is power. Just two days ago I saw someone on a forum describing Depreaonzalisation-Derelization Disorder. Another member on the group, who happened to be the first poster, was representing himself as an advocate for the ill. He said that that original poster was psychotic and needed to be put on antipsychotics immediately. Whenever I become involved in online forums, it is a disaster—I don’t think I need to tell you that. So, I shy away from them. However, I couldn’t let one person’s ignorance ruin another person’s life as my own “psychiatrist” had done to me. So I registered as part of the group and left a detailed explanation of my own symptoms and a link to the DSM V’s classification of dissociative disorders. We must stop misinformation. I’m not sure which is worse—stigma or ignorance. I believe in most cases that they are one and the same.

I apologize for the brevity of the post. I know there are a number of infinite details I could write about on this subject. I can sit and ponder it forever. However, writing about an illness you have yourself can only serve as a great trigger because you are reminding yourself of the fact that you have it altogether again. This would be like sending a combat veteran with PTSD back into the jungles of Vietnam. It is difficult for me to write about Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder. Yet, if I help one person come to terms with it, accept it, and be able to combat it better, then I will definitely keep writing.

© Megan Snider 2012
(c) Megan Allyce Snider 2012
Copr. M. Allyce Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider MMXII

Coming to Grips © Megan Snider

June 30, 2012



You would be surprised how many times things don’t go right in life. No, that’s incorrect; you would actually be surprised by how many things truly go right in life.

The first... thing I ever heard from an M.D. was, “With the beginning of mental illness comes the death of many dreams.” This echoes Kafka’s comment years ago when he wrote, “At the beginning of understanding is the wish to die.”

When you come to grips with the fact that you are incapable, unsuitable, unfit, and discarded, what do you do?

When every belief you had ever harbored within your soul throughout your tiny life flicker in a small breeze of adversity, what do you do? You begin to question everything from God to your own shoelaces.

Suddenly, life becomes the polar opposite of what you want it to be. Your picture of life is a negative, while the lives of others seem to come out in full, rich, and radiant color.

So, what are you to do in the case that your worst fear becomes a reality? What do you do when the nightmare you have feared all along proves itself to be real and the monster slides out from under the wooden frame of your bed?

You do the only thing you can do. You accept it.

At the very beginning and fresh onset of the revelation, shock sets in. Numbness reigns supreme. Your heart is anesthetized. You are surprised it continued to beat. Maybe you are hoping it would just stop.

When pain becomes unbearable, it is the body’s and brain’s response to check out. Interestingly enough, this is what happens with dissociative disorders. The brain can no longer cope with the horrible agony of real life itself so it burns its way through reality and creates an unreality which can become just every bit as horrible as the real world itself.

The best thing and really the only thing you can do is to learn to accept your situation. This doesn’t always mean coming to peace with it. It doesn’t mean you have to be cheerful about it. It doesn’t mean that you give up on the rest of your life. It simply means that “what will be will be”.

And, no matter how difficult it is, coming to grips with this loss or situation is the best you can do. You must acknowledge it and no longer give in to ideas that things will change.

Life exerts its control over us unrelentingly. God has His will set in heaven. Are you strong enough to go against God’s will for you? Are you strong enough to tear the very fabric of life itself in twain? Of course you are not.

You are simply human and, most of the time, to be human means to suffer, to lose, to fight, and to struggle.

As I have mentioned before, as Frank Herbert wrote, “Kindness is the beginning of cruelty”. You may be asking yourself what that means.

Allow me to explain.

Long term illness of any kind makes you face loss. Many doctors will tell you many things. I once had a doctor who told me he has never seen a case of illness that he did not cure. I suppose that works out well for him since he vacations in the Hamptons.

However, he has not cured me. All he has done is sent me to the emergency room—more than once—with his ineptness. What I am asking is, was that kind of him to say? Was it kind of him to give me false hope? Well, tell me, was it?

If a patient is in the end stages of renal failure or something similar, do doctors go in and lie to her? Do they scoop up the vases of flowers and pluck out one piece of the floral arrangement, stroke back the dying patient’s hair and plant the flower firmly behind her ear? Do they tear back the curtains and let the sunshine flood the room? Do they tell the patient that she has years and years yet to live? Of course they don’t. I believe this would constitute as medical malpractice anywhere apparently except in the state of Alabama.

You need to accept what you can’t change.

Perhaps you can’t change the fact that your life will be lonely. Perhaps you can’t change the fact that you are sick. Perhaps you can’t change the fact that you are dying in a variety of ways (emotionally, physically, mentally) each day.

However, you can change how you accept the problem. This does not mean, in any way, that this will stop the flood of tears and that ever-present ache in your heart.

It does mean that you are simply wise enough to know the truth and adult enough to accept it. It means that you are truly brave to keep on living-- especially if you are living a life you don't want to live. 

© Megan Snider 2012

(c) Megan Allyce Snider 2012
Copr. M. Allyce Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider MMXII

 

“Bible Lessons for and from the Broken Hearted” Copyright © 2012 Megan Snider

This is another misguided attempt at writing in my usual confessional style. It is rather appropriate that I chose the term “confessional” since today I am going to examine a belief that traces its roots to Catholicism. Being your average “backseat Baptist”, I have only set foot into one Catholic Church.  It was a historical church and I naively asked the woman if the glass bowl by the door was a collection plate. She chided me saying, “You must not be Catholic.” It was used for sprinkling holy water upon oneself. As a Baptist, the closest you will ever get to sprinkling yourself with holy water is splashing some water for a faucet onto your blouse in the church bathroom. And I digress.

I want to go into depth about something that I was never taught as a youth. As a youth I was repetitively taught that there was a mate for everyone. As a fragile adolescent and then as a pensive and isolated adult, certain Baptist churches drilled the idea into my head that God would send me a mate. After all, God made Eve for Adam, right? And didn’t God say, “It is not good for man to be alone”? Yes, assuredly He did see these things. However, I want to point out something crucial to you. He said these things BEFORE the fall while Adam and Eve were still in paradise. This all took place before that one shiny blood-red apple purged all of mankind collectively out of the boundaries of bliss and into the outskirts of oblivion. God said all of this before the fall. This means that perhaps if there has never been a fall due to original sin, then each of us would have a mate. But, as we cannot deny in any way, all have fallen and fall short of the immense glory of God. Therefore, we are doomed to desolation, pain, misery, agony, strive, heartache, loneliness, and restless passions.

We went through the Book of Solomon several times in Bible study class. We also cruised through Corinthians and Proverbs which instructed us on how to behave, dress, and act as proper young Christians. Girls were told to keep their virginity. This dates back to a scripture which says that our body are not our own but property of the Lord. Our virginity therefore is not ours to give away to just anyone. It must be within the sanctity of marriage and it must be given to a mate handpicked by God. Our virginity would then go to the groom on the wedding night and be a sacred wedding gift as foretold in scripture when a man leaves his family and joins with a woman to become one flesh. Imagine the impact this has on fragile, lonely hearts!  Twisting the scriptures a little more, the Bible instructor went on to say that we could pray for what we wanted our mates to look like so that God would also fulfill our sexual desires within the context of marriage.

Now, for 99.9% of Christians, the above scenario seems to be the case. But, what about the remaining 0.1% of us to whom this does not apply? What would they teach us? They say that God gives us the desires of our hearts. A lot of people take this to mean that God is some giant genie up there in the sky granting wishes. This is not so. As with everything in the Bible, you must consider the context. God will only give you the desires of your heart if they align with His desires for you. Do you see? If you lust after or pursue something, it becomes the desire of your heart. But God may not want you to desire this thing. Don’t you remember the scripture that states, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you”? It does not say “pray for what you want and God will fork it over, gents and gals”!

I believe it was about a month ago that I took my burning question to the web. I scoured the Christian apologetics websites and the Christian forums for answers. I flipped through Bible studies and read pleas from Christian woman after Christian woman desperate for a mate. They were normal Christian woman. I am nothing near normal. So what hope have I? In my great desperation, I asked God to lead me to an answer. I stumbled upon a Catholic site. Some of the things I did not understand because it was Catholic doctrine, but it still made sound sense.

As you probably know, Catholics in general have a great many ideas concerning marriage. The topic of the mass for that day was Matthew 19. Now, as you know, in Matthew 19 Jesus is speaking about divorce laws. Yet, Jesus departs onto a small tangent in the scripture which I had never read before and no one had taught me about as a young woman. I had only been taught to wait for my mate and I had also been told to look to Jesus as my mate while I waited for my own fleshly embodiment of passion incarnate.

I want you to look at Matthew 19 with me. How I wished someone had stood up in those classes and started yelling out Matthew 19. These are Jesus’ own words for the New King James Testament. Jesus said, “¹¹ All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: ¹² For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Okay, so let’s break this down to make it clear and understandable in case you are curious or need to brush up on your “thou, thy, and thine”.  Literally speaking, we all know what a eunuch is. At least, at this age, I would hope you know what a eunuch is. However, it is clear here that Jesus is not talking about literal eunuchs, for, if He were, what would be the purpose of the statement, “(…) There are some eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.”

If you look at the heading above this verse on Bible Gateway it reads, “Jesus Teaches on Celibacy”. I believe this is a good starting place, but it does not really incorporate the whole thought process and cognition going on in these passages.

As you know, or should know, a literal eunuch is a male whom, for the almost all intents and purposes, is incapable of sexual intercourse. This means that he will not enter into the covenant of marriage, nor perform sexually, nor propagate nor marry. If you look at the application of the eunuch literally, he has been marked because he is missing a crucial component that makes him suitable to be wed and to produce offspring.  Look a little closer. You will see that this man has been made identifiable by being a eunuch. Remember in the Old Testament when God marked Cain for shedding his own brother’s blood? I believe that being a eunuch is a mark that one will never marry. I believe the word “eunuch” is used metaphorically. For those of you who are not English graduates, a metaphor is “A thing regarded as representative or symbolic of something else-- especially something abstract.” The use of the word “eunuch” here would certainly be abstract. Why would someone undergo literal castration to get into heaven? This is surely not required. There is something else much deeper going on in this passage.

As I read the Catholic explanation of this passage, which went into great detail, I finally received the revelation I had been looking for. Let’s look at Matthew 19 again. I will quote it in case you have forgotten. Remember, again, this is Jesus speaking. In Matthew 19 Jesus states, “¹¹ All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: ¹² For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Now, let me point out one little detail for you. Do you see the different ways one can be made into a eunuch? There are a few listed here. I only wish to focus on one. Notice that Jesus states some eunuchs
“were born thus from their mother’s womb”. What does this mean? Let me tell you. According to Catholicism, this statement signifies that someone born with a grave physical, sexual or mental illness should not marry according to Jesus. I’m sure dysfunctional people marry every day. However, there is a vast gap between being dysfunctional and being completely debilitated.

As you know, I maintain a blog on mental illness. I know the firsthand effects of debilitating, terrifying, and costly wages of suffering with a long term mental illness. I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to say that when I saw this verse I was completely happy. In a way I suppose I was glad the charade was over. I’m basically a shut-in now. Even while I am shut in, I still experience panic and other symptoms that cause me to retreat and force myself to calm down. You can look in my eyes and look at my face and you will never be able to tell what is happening with me. Yet, it will still be there. It is like any other illness. Can you be brave and fight off cancer or diabetes with proper diet, exercise, faith, hope, grace, perseverance, prayer, a positive attitude, affirmations or alternative medicines?   These things may help to a small degree, but does it take away the pain and the mark of the illness completely? The answer is of course not.

I am angry with my teachers who were so reckless in their approach to Bible interpretation. I cannot believe that they so happily and eagerly spoon fed me generalization after generalization like I was a toddler strapped in a highchair. The sad fact is that my soul grew up on that food. Now I must find a way to regurgitate it because it disagrees with my whole system.

Let me tell you something. There is nothing wrong with hope. If you are a good Christian boy or girl, the Lord will probably answer your prayers for a mate. However, if you are a consumer at a local meantal health clinic and have to get refills of Zyprexa r Haldol, well, you can still hope but you might want to remember Matthew 19. Now, let me make myself clear. I am not saying that the mentally ill should not marry. Like all diseases there are differences in intensity and symptoms of the illness. I believe that a great deal of mentally ill people can marry. However, if you are hiding in your own house or afraid to go for a car ride, you may want to either force yourself to go out and face the terror or face some facts about your future. Even if you are mentally ill and you try to find a mate, you will be met with rejection like anyone else.

I have been met with rejection after rejection. I tried to change everything about me. In college for two years I ate only 100 calories a day and exercised twice a day. All in all I lost around eighty pounds. With this new figure I thought that surely someone would be attracted to me. The one date I did arrange at this time was cancelled and the fellow gave me a lame predictable excuse as to why he could not date me. At first I wondered if I had just not met the right person. However, as I not inch but slide into the age of thirty, I realize that perhaps I have been marked as a “eunuch” myself. I wonder if it is not time for me to face facts as well. I have watched all of my friends marry. In general, people lose their virginity around the age of fourteen to seventeen. These days it would no surprise me if it were at a younger age than this. Jokes are popped to me relating my circumstances to Steve Carell’s role in the move “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. I suppose that is a little funny. Unfortunately, in the movie, Carell’s character was simply shy; he was not “crazy”. Most of my friends are well beyond me. A lot of them are now expecting their second child. Many of them have been married for years—not months. Some of them were married but are now divorced. Some are in long-term and committed relationships that are headed towards marriage proposals and diamond rings hidden in the bottom of a glass full of champagne. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling sorry for myself.

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been living under the pull of a strong delusion for twenty-seven years now. As a girl, I hitched my wagon to a star. And that star has remained firmly planted in the same space it was twenty-even years ago. I believe it is better to know the truth—even if it is unkind—than to know a lie that is kind. I do not pity myself. I only feel regret and I mourn for things that I will be missing out on. Things like emotional and physical intimacy. Things like communication and events (even though I am scared to go to any event!). Things such as companionship and trust. Things like sharing ideas and making future plans. I desire all of these things. I will not lie. I have no reason to lie and I have nothing to lie about.

You may get to the end of this and wonder why I have written this. I have written this for all the women and girls out their pining for their “soulmates”. Sure, like I wrote before, 99.9% of them will find one, but 0.1% will remain metaphorical “eunuchs”, won’t they?

Now, I realize adding another person to the equation complicates things immensely. I would not want someone to be with me if he were made to suffer by my affliction. That is not my intent. However, I’m not sure many men I am attracted to are just hankering  to date a shut-in.  If I can be nothing else, I must be honest. Yes, I do go out, but it is usually brief. I do not spend whole days in town and I do not like to be out after dark. Perhaps that will change and perhaps it will not.

However, this does not change my mission. Dear girl in the 0.1%, please know that you are not alone in being alone— as paradoxical as that seems. I just want you to learn this lesson now before it’s too late for you. I don’t want you to turn from God or wrath. It is okay to experience frustration, sorrow, and to struggle with the ever persistent feeling of loss. I know that you will look around you and all you will see is an outward appearance of wedded bliss. You will see unions consummated as you hole up in a tiny room with a big overhead light and type away into the night into a great vacuum. We were all made for different services unto the Lord. Some of us were meant to be mates and some of us were not. You may mourn this loss for the rest of your life. You may pray desperately for years as I have. Nothing changes facts. Facts are simply facts and you must come to overwhelming overload often before you come to overwhelming acceptance.

I just wanted to take a minute and have you stop and consider the things that some churches are too scared to admit. You see, being Christian has nothing to do with taking the easy route. Being human has nothing to do with taking the easy, route each. Christians suffer both because they are Christians and because they are human. Take comfort in the fact that Jesus was human and can relate to this whole horrible human condition.

I once recall seeing a car with a banner on the windshield that said, “Jesus is my husband!” Now, I’m assuming this woman was not married to a Hispanic man named Jesus. I’m assuming she was referring to Jesus Christ. I must admit that I felt horrible pity for her. I did not want to end up that way. But, you can’t push up against fate; it will simply push back harder until it totally crushes you. Perhaps this woman had the right idea.

I am no predictor of the future. Past “relationships” I have had with men seem to fall into the same category: outright rejection. As I sit here and ponder and remember Matthew 19, I simply wonder if it was not some invisible mark upon my forehead that only they could see. I wonder if there was some sign printed off onto my flesh that repelled them. I suppose that in the long run, none of that matters.

There are situations people face every day that they don’t want to be in. This is just one example. I am sure each one of you could give me a heartbreak story. As adults and adolescents, we face overwhelming odds every day. To those of you who have a wife or husband, I would ask that you not take him or her for granted. I would ask that you do everything humanly possible to keep your marriage alive. I would ask that you enjoy communication and intimacy in any form. Why do I ask you to do these things? Because I am unable to and I would hate the idea that one person has the total sum of another person’s affection and chooses to throw it away.

Young ladies in the church, here is my advice to you: Guard your hearts. Don’t just guard them against the wiles of iniquity, but guard them against the charm and smoothness of false teachings. Know your Bible. Always read the Bible for yourself and never depend upon someone else to explain to you what you do not know yourself. Knowledge is power. If I would have ventured out of the Song of Solomon enough to read some other passages, there is a great chance that I may have stumbled upon Matthew 19 and tried to make some sense of it. Now, twenty-seven years later, I am ruing the Bible lessons I am taught and chewing and spitting them out like a cow chews its cud. The ideas they presented in Bible school were truly beautiful ideas. But for me they were just that—ideas…fantasies…passions…flights of fancy. And that is all they will ever be. So, young women and even young men, I warn you: Guard your hearts. Your enemies may not be lurking outside the church. They may be working right from within its own walls.

Copyright © 2012 Megan Snider

(c) Megan Snider
Copr. M. Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider MMXII

The Face of Despair © Megan Snider

A Friendly Warning: I have mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again because I am adding some pieces of personal writing to this blog that deal with mental health opposed to adding content that is of my usual caliber. Here is the warning: Everything on this blog is written and maintained by me, Megan Snider. I do not mind if you link to my site nor share my writing. However, if you do so, you MUST use my full name and accompany my writing or any excerpt of my writing with my name. ANYTHING you use from this site is my own personal writing, which I have personal possession of. Please NEVER reduplicate pieces of articles, quotes from articles or excerpts from posts without my total permission or without using my name.  As you may guess, my writing is extremely important to me. If you stumble upon this site and respect the research and help I am trying to provide, then I must humbly ask you to respect my opinions concerning my writing within this blog. Remember, I am paid for none of this. It is all done out of passion and love in my own free time to help the mentally ill communality and, to some extent, possibly their family members.

by Megan Snider on June 11th, 2012
Franz Kafka once wrote, “Don’t despair because you despair.” Of course, he wrote it in German—not English. Gerard Way would counter this in a song lyric where he would sing, “What sin is despair?” Both men have admirable arguments. Both men were definitely visited by grief and despair. Despair etched itself all too heavily on their gaunt faces. The more appropriate question is not what to make of despair, but rather, how to handle it.

No matter who you are, you started somewhere, didn’t you? We all have points of origin that feed into whom we are and make us men and women of character. When faced with despair, just as a child would run to its mother, we run to our points of origin—be it through the abysmal march back to a geographical location or an intellectual journey to a fixed point on the ever-expanding plot graph of time.
When massive overload comes, as it surely will, and the smile creeps off your face, when your lips feel numb, and all you can do is fix your eyes into space, you will find that you have gone. You have returned to the place and the time where you were happiest.

Perhaps this time was being a "backseat Baptist" in a small congregation hidden in a maze of cornfields. Perhaps this time was with someone who possessed a bright spirit that tugged you ever closer. Perhaps this time was a fleeting embrace in the dark or just a hand skimmed by the touch of another’s hand. It makes no difference. For you and for me, that place of origin still exists and pulls us in close as the walls mildew and fold around us like an illy shuffled deck of cards.

Despair, to answer both Kafka and Way—as strange bedfellows as they may seem—is certainly no sin. I am most positive that Christ felt despair when he cried out, “Elohim, Elohim, lama sabachthani?” Christian or not, you are familiar with this lamentation. At this time Christ was human, and as a human, He felt what we all feel from time to time—the absence of God. And He despaired.

As life increases, so does wisdom and, as Ecclesiastes tells us, “He that increases knowledge increases sorrow.” A revelation can bring about sorrow, grief, and despair. The acknowledgement of loss, the acceptance of pain, the persistence of suffering, and the inevitable encounter with death all easily the stretch the face into the twisted gaping contours of despair.

To be blunt, and more importantly, to be honest, if you are human, you will despair. As James Joyce aptly noted, “You can still die while the sun is shining.” The question is not when or why you will despair. Rather, they question is what to do with this despair.

As I once wrote rather pathetically to myself, “God gave us burdens. He also gave us shoulders.” Christianity has been quite fond of the idea that we each have our own crosses to bear. This is irrefutable. The cross Christ staggered with becomes the warped and poorly nailed planks of wood that we all too must shoulder up our own personal Golgotha.

If you will read the passages detailing Christ's struggle to Golgotha carefully, you will note that Christ did not weep for himself. Many wailed. Many were distraught and on their knees, yet, from Christ, came no single tear or sign or resistance—only a dogged determination to cross into the final destination. If you truly suffer, you will do so in silence most often. The bravest people are the ones who smile with a gum line of rotten teeth or who gaze into the horizon with blind eyes. They are the ones who have lost yet for some reason keep going.

Let me be clear so that there is no division or confusion among you. There is no sin in despair. And, to be honest, Kafka was often morbidly depressed and only one who has despaired over despair would have the presence of mind to advise others gently not to do so themselves. However, appropriately or inappropriately, the loveless Kafka finally found his reason for living as he approached his own death.

As we place foot in front of foot each day of our lives, we will inevitably be reminded that despair will visit each one of us individually. When you hear the knock upon your door, do not despair— as you already know who is on the other side. Without murmuring, without hesitation, and without self-pity, once again pick your cross back up and resume your march up the hill. You may die while the sun is shining, as Joyce pointed out, but you will die with the sun on your face.
 

© Megan Snider
(c) Megan Allyce Snider
Copr. M. Allyce Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider MMXII
THIS IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
DO NOT STEAL OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED.

The Measure of Success © Megan Snider

A Friendly Warning: I have mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again because I am adding some pieces of personal writing to this blog that deal with mental health opposed to adding content that is of my usual caliber. Here is the warning: Everything on this blog is written and maintained by me, Megan Snider. I do not mind if you link to my site nor share my writing. However, if you do so, you MUST use my full name and accompany my writing or any excerpt of my writing with my name. ANYTHING you use from this site is my own personal writing, which I have personal possession of. Please NEVER reduplicate pieces of articles, quotes from articles or excerpts from posts without my total permission or without using my name.  As you may guess, my writing is extremely important to me. If you stumble upon this site and respect the research and help I am trying to provide, then I must humbly ask you to respect my opinions concerning my writing within this blog. Remember, I am paid for none of this. It is all done out of passion and love in my own free time to help the mentally ill communality and, to some extent, possibly their family members.

April 21, 2012

God gave us burdens. He also gave us shoulders. Some have broader shoulders than others.

The old maxim is “Life isn’t fair.” To be honest, it’s not. A human’s capacity to measure his or her own successes often lies in the accumulation of achievements. The Wall Stre...et banker is successful; the best-selling author is successful; and that man you see on the television? Well, he’s successful, too. It stands to reason that if one has no worldly accomplishments, then one is a failure. Does reason incline us to believe this is so or does greed? Is it the human condition to create and advance? And, if we fail to do so, are we somehow damaged and defective? The scrutiny of human eyes would answer an emphatic “yes” to this question. A “yes” bearing an exclamation point. A “yes” that goes off with the deafening ferocity of a firecracker.

So, what is to be made of us who fail? Failure comes in a variety of jabs and punches. It can ruin a man financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. What should we make of a battered and bruised face that stares back out at us from the mirror? How should we repair the splintered bone and jagged flesh? Is it not devastating to see something that was once virile and dominating become fractured and withered? The point of this examination is not to raise questions. It is to answer them. In the quest for truth and peace, let’s answer some of the questions.

The way you measure success can and will be your downfall. If success is measured by achievement and applaud only, then of course you will have a skewered world view. Survival has been a dominant drive in man since his creation. Yet, survival is no longer good enough. We must not survive; we must conquer. This is, of course, quite contrary to the nature of life itself. No matter who you are, where you’ve been, where you come from or where you’re going, you’re getting scars. Each day a little nick will work itself into the flesh. The next day perhaps a thorn. The next perhaps a wider gash. You will lose blood and you will spill blood. The great question of life is not how to cover up your scars; the great question of life is how to wear your scars. Should you pose as a disoriented beggar, clutching one trembling hand to a patch of scar tissue? Perhaps you should stand tall and display your scars of battle as any proud soldier would.

How you wear your bruises and bumps, tics and tears, wounds and welts is how you define your success. The simple and clear truth of the matter is that the absolute avoidance of hurt does not make you any stronger. For in order to succeed you must surely be strong. What makes you strong is losing the match and stepping into the ring the next day with a split lip and a black eye. What makes you a success is not an uninterrupted record of appraise, poise, and elegance. What makes you a success is falling down and staggering back up, losing your way and finding another, and continuing even when there is no reason to.

There is a German proverb that goes like this: “Der Appetit kommt beim Essen.” Loosely translated, this means: “The appetite comes from eating.” There’s a couple ways you could consider this quote. One would be that by doing something habitually, you come to crave it more. The other, more abstract way would be to say that the desire for something does not exist until you develop a critical need for it. This means that you will not get back up until you have the need to. Yet, when knocked down, you assuredly get up. Why? Because it is cause and effect. It is the action and follow through. It is the desire to change and the need to react. In short, it is the developed appetite through a lifetime of eating. The measure of success is not success itself. It is the will to persist in the total absence of it.

© Megan Snider
(c) Megan Allyce Snider
Copr. M. Allyce Snider 2012
Copyright Megan Snider  MMXII
THIS IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
DO NOT STEAL OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED.